The Blueprint Chronicles

Writing back to the heart of me

2010-08-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

Having "one of those days" and wondering what has me all off. Of course I know what external factors contribute to the melancholy, but that doesn't make it feel any better, nor does it explain why I just can't shake it. I tried to rally myself to go out and be social but just couldn't get that together. Tried some retail therapy, tried getting some things crossed off of my to do list, tried some pampering, tried prayer... It all helped a little, but that deep-down blah feeling just wouldn't give.

Then I realized it: I haven't been writing. Like, at all. Haven't been making time for it, haven't even been reading other people's work lately. And because writing is my way of checking back in with myself when I feel out of whack, I think that may be a big part of the problem today.

I came across the following quote today: "Meditation is the tongue of the soul & the language of our spirit.”--Jeremy Taylor. So true. For me, sitting and writing sometimes helps me plug back into what my soul/spirit are trying to say to me. Neglecting to write often leaves me feeling like I'm out of touch with myself, like I've been ignoring that inner voice for so long that I've gotten a little lost.

Recently I've put a lot of time and effort into goals like studying for and taking the bar, getting my office at work organized, cleaning out the garage at home, etc. I have so much more to do, and so little time, and so little money, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. But even when I'm successfully getting things accomplished, I feel like those things aren't meaningful if I'm not also in tune with what's most important to me.

Perhaps all else will start to flow together if I first and foremost remember my heart, which has a deep passion for writing and the creative release it provides for me. And at the same time I remind myself that my largest goal for the year is yet to be achieved: to write a book. I need to refocus on this, both because it's cheaper than the therapist's couch (I know), and because it's who I am. I got an encouraging note recently reminding me that sometimes other people enjoy my writing too (thanks Ratha!), so that gives me all the more reason to motivate myself to jump back into the craft and get myself back into the writing practice. Perhaps this will help me get it together and feel a little more "in touch."

Yeah.

I feel better now.

Thanks for reading.

Performing Tonight!

2010-06-03T12:56:00.004-05:00

I've been trying to keep the steam going with my writing as things have picked up at work, in my personal life, and as I've tacked on new goals for the year, including taking the Washington Bar this Summer. Yiiiii, it's like I'm not satisfied unless I have an overflowing plate!

But to keep the creative juices flowing, I decided to respond to this call for artists for a show, which is tonight, and it just kind of occurred to me that I'm excited about performing! It has been such a busy time it's like I don't allow myself to get excited about the next moment until it's upon me.

Event info:
Speak to Me: Visual Art Poetry Fusion Show at C Art Gallery. If you're in Seattle, come through!

Thursday, June 3, 2010
5:30-7:30 p.m.
C Art Gallery
855 Hiawatha Place South
Seattle, Washington 98144

The premise is pretty cool. I've been to plenty of shows where a visual artist will create a new piece as a poet spits, but this is the other way around. The poet will perform a piece inspired by a painting. The painting will be presented and the poet will perform.

For more seasoned peformers, this may sound like no big deal. But participating in this is great stretching for me and my creative work. First, I have been wanting to put myself out there a bit more lately. Second, usually I just kinda sit back and say, "What shall I write about?" Or on a whim I decide, "I'm going to go to this Slam/Open Mic, and I'm going to perform X piece." This was a different experience for me. I had no idea what the artist's piece would look like, who the artist was, whether I'd find inspiration in it, etc. And I had to put myself out there by providing prior work as a means for them to select me as one of the 6 poets.

I'll be interested to see what the artist thinks of my interpretation of her piece. Can't share it now, but I'll post an update on how the whole thing went a bit later.

I always find that when I'm in the company of writing talent, it inspires me to keep pushing myself and keep sharpening my craft. So if nothing else, even if I straight up bomb tonight (which I won't, y'all, come on!) I'll be inspired.

Thanks for reading!

Dream Sequence

2010-04-18T19:30:00.003-05:00

The other night I had a dream that I was dying. In my dream, one minute I was sitting down and the next I was falling down slowly. As I fell, my vision became cloudy. Outside of my body, I watched my body, which was that of an older man black man with big eyes and fine lines, bend at the waist and come to rest on a white miasma. My eyes, covered in a milky white film, were open and stared back unseeingly at me. It looked as if my body were shutting down.

Before dying, I had been thinking about dying. I was considering why I should continue to live. In particular, I was thinking about a friend of mine who had passed on recently. I was considering what I had that she didn’t have. Why should I be around instead of her. It was immediately after I thought this that my dream body started to die.

While my body was dying my mind was very active. My mind continued the same debate, what reasons did I have to live and what reasons did I have to die.

There were very few reasons to live. I thought that my family would mourn me and I didn’t want them to suffer and be sad, but from personal experience in dealing with death I determined that they would eventually move on and forget about me. I’ve always been pained when losing a loved one. The pain does not necessarily fade, but you think about it less and the edges of it dulls.

I also thought that there was nothing great I needed to do on this earth, there was no great thing that needed to be accomplished before I die. Interestingly, the fact weighing most heavily in favor of dying was that we will all die eventually. What makes tomorrow any more appealing than today. To live, I was marking time to the inevitable anyway.

Despite all of this I decided that I wanted to live. I can’t remember why I wanted to live, but live I did. My dying body reenergized and my dream changed to something new.

Maybe my dream meant something, maybe there is something I need to finish before dying and fading from memories I might just need to finish my story about my grandmother so that she does not fade from my memories.

Inspiration Times Two

2010-04-11T15:42:00.006-05:00

I've written about inspiration in the past and am reluctant to do so again. But, unfortunately, it's the only thing that I can think about. Probably because I am in need of some.

Lately I've been inspired by my oldest niece and nephew. My niece is such a treasure, she is smart, does well in school, and is just really pleasant to be around. I definitely want to do all I can to help her succeed in whatever she wants to pursue.

My nephew, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Like his sister he is smart, but he doesn't do well in school and he is generally disrespectful to the adults in his life.

I don't think it is too surprising that I want to write about my nephew. I've been thinking about incorporating his story into my story about my grandmother. My idea is that I will turn to lessons learned from my grandmother to help inspire him to be a better person. Problem is I don't know that my grandmother or anyone has found out to inspire someone to do better when they think they know it all or think they can get away with being a trouble maker because he's so young.

My hope is that by writing about him and her together I will learn how to inspire him to be a better person.

Window Seat, Womanhood, Final Craziness of my 100 Page Endeavor

2010-04-05T01:30:00.003-05:00

Man. I mean, Woman!

I just saw Erykah Badu's Window Seat video. I have been stuck on that song for the past couple of weeks, and seeing the video only enhanced some of the sentiment I took from the song. I just got the sense that it was about freeing yourself and allowing yourself to be yourself, unencumbered by other people's judgment or expectations or demands. I feel like this is what it means to become your own woman. Heck, I just want a window seat... maybe an Amtrak window seat with laptop in tow, where I can write and listen to my i-tunes and watch the scenery shift and just do me!

Speaking of writing and being your own woman, my writing project explores identity through three lenses: girl, woman, and soul, and I've been encountering some difficulty on the Woman front.

I've been writing a lot recently about my girlhood in particular and girlhood generally, and that's been an interesting experience. I took myself back to elementary school, to first crushes, to my first racial awakening, to the little weird things I used to do as a child, to the things I remember about my mom and dad from when I was a little girl. It's been fun reacquainting myself with those parts of me that are still very much present, if subdued, in me.

I've also really enjoyed writing about self from the Soul perspective--what soul is from an artistic point of view as well as the spiritual perspective. There's a lot of room to explore here, lots of corners of myself that I haven't even come around to yet and this exploration of soul has nudged me into these spaces. And here is where I have really been able to meditate on humanity. I have come to very few deep profound insights, but it has been interesting work all the same.

Oddly it's the "woman" piece that has been really difficult for me. I keep running into the subject of love, which is perfectly appropriate in the sense that lots of women come into their identity as a woman when they experience their first love. But I don't want to dwell on that, and in fact I'm beginning to feel like I've hit a brick wall on the whole romantic love tip. I can pinpoint so many more experiences that have shaped and created my identity as a woman, from the difficult career choices I've had to make for myself as an adult, to losing my parents and being forced to understand myself not as anyone's child, but as my own. There's also just the experience of living in this body that reminds me every day that I am a woman--from the way we women have to take care of ourselves to the way we celebrate ourselves and express our femininity in how we walk, what we wear, etc.

So... as I march on through the final stretch of my 30 day, 100 page marathon, my plan is to focus on Woman, to really get into the heart of what I want to say in this section of the project. Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading.

Encouragement

2010-03-28T21:34:00.003-05:00

Today I talked with my fellow Chroniclers and left the conversation feeling pretty good. I went into the conversation a little nervous because in my mind I hadn't made much progress. I imagined updating them with a whole lot of nothing. After I made my update, however, all I got was a whole lot of encouragement. The ladies told me that maybe I should not put so much energy into focusing on what I'm not doing and instead put that energy into making the most out of what I'm doing.

For example, me I'd like to write more and had been down on myself for my lack of progress. Well now I'm going to take all of my negative feelings and put them into making the most out of the time I do spend writing. In short, I'm going to write when I have the time and feel good about the time I spend writing. I won't spend time feeling bad about the time I'm not spending writing.

I'd like to pass these ideas along to others reading this blog. For those of you pursuing a goal and are feeling a little discouraged -- instead of feeling bad about what you're not doing -- think about what you are doing and focus on doing that well.

Progress Report: Week Two of My Crazy Endeavor

2010-03-24T01:38:00.003-05:00

Progress report: 10,175 words, which is about 41 pages based on the standard manuscript page length of 250 words! This is great. This is just one page short of my goal of 42 pages by end of week two. Let me just say, Woop woop!

But then let me actually just go on ahead and slow my roll. I only have 16 days to write the remaining 59 pages, which means i gotta be on point and write about 3.7 pages per day.

Prayer, y'all, prayer.

Shout out to Brandie for your prior post. It inspired me to make a little sacrifice and be a little tired for my dream.

Okay, now it's off to sleep. Thanks for reading.

Priorties

2010-03-21T15:53:00.002-05:00

As evident by this blog entry, I’ve decided to continue writing.

In my head, my story is developing nicely. I’ve haven't quite figured out all of the details, including the ending -- but I’m pretty sure I know where things are going.

On paper is another story. I’ve started drafting, but drafting takes a lot of time. I’ve made progress over the last week, but more could have been done.

I've determined, however, that I need to get what's in my head into a complete and comprehensive outline before turning to my story again. My goal is to complete my outline by next weekend.

I have come to the important realization that I’ve been putting more effort into this blog than in my overall goal. (Although, a reader might not consider that I’ve put a lot of effort into the blog.) I put a lot of effort into coming up with a topic to discuss and then the actual writing. Usually, when I sit down to write the first thing I draft is the blog. Well, today I did things a little differently. I worked on my story first, and then the blog. This obviously should be the correct order of things since the whole goal of TBC is to complete the end product.

Now that I have a short term goal and that my priorties are in order I hope to report progress next week.

In Between Time

2010-03-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

The third clinic is two days away and I'm trying to make the most of my in between time. I need to iron out some of the clinic logistics, particularly regarding pre-clinic intake and post-clinic follow-up. Monday I attended the CLA board meeting. We discussed taking on a student intern. (Anyone interested? Hit me up.) That made me think about planning a fundraiser so we can provide a stipend to the intern. I think that would be a lot of fun, but also a distraction from the clinic. I have to figure out how to stay motivated with the clinic when there are so many other new things I'd rather be thinking about. A friend once described me as easily interested, hard to maintain. I'm always going to be easily interested, that's just me. But if I'm going to reach my goals, I need to up my stamina game.

Week One: Progress Report

2010-03-16T20:27:00.002-05:00

Final page count for week one: 13. At a little under two pages per day on average, this is below my weekly goal of 21 pages, but still not bad and not so bad that I'm now screwed. Haha. So, I'm feeling positive. Also I just realized that I also wrote some things in my journal that I did not then transcribe onto computer, so I would estimate that including that I'm probably closer to 15 pages. Good stuff!

In related news, please see how I upped the ante for myself. Yikes!

Okay--can't blog, gotta write, will check back later, thanks for reading!

Thinking Out Loud

2010-03-14T19:38:00.003-05:00

I’m questioning my dream. I have always wanted to write; I have always been told I’m a good writer -- but when given the opportunity and the time I’ve not performed. Yes, I have been busy the last month, but I have had plenty of time to at least draft a blog and work on my story. None of these things have happened.

Today, I was listening to an NPR program about faith. A scientist was discussing, among other things, if rather than being infinite, the universe was finite. The scientist also had some interesting thoughts on the “human species.” She said from her scientific perspective she found it difficult to become caught up in the constructs the human species puts up and becomes impassioned about. For example, she noted that while our political system is important -- she found irony in the fact that in our democracy we put a lot of effort and time into electing a leader and consciously decide to follow that leader, but we have the ability to, the next day, change our minds and elect a new leader or change the entire system.

The scientist’s observations are particularly interesting to me because I needed to be reminded that I can decide not become caught up in the passions and distractions that I have told myself are important. I need to appreciate and take advantage of being a rationale organism.

From the perspective of a rational organism I want to overcome my natural inclination to do the irrational. By irrational, I mean my inclination to not do what I want to do. For example, I want to write -- but I decide everyday not to write. I make myself goals -- but decide not to follow through with those goals. I am smart -- but decide everyday to act ignorant.

I want to write my story -- so right now I am deciding to work on it. I am thinking, however, that if I can’t follow through with what I want to do then maybe I should decide not to do it.

The Countdown Begins Today: 30 days, 100 pages

2010-03-08T23:48:00.003-06:00

Ok. So. According to my action plan I'm supposed to be wrapping up the first draft of my book this month.

(Pause for laughter. And tears.)

This is sooo not going to happen, which is disappointing. But, it's not daunting. No, it's just a sign that I need to implement some drastic steps to get my goal accomplished. I need to do get back on schedule, and the first thing I'm going to do to get there is to set up some public accountability. In that vein, I hereby pledge to have 100 pages (of an estimated 200 page full piece) completed in 30 days. That means that by April 8th I will have 100 pages of my book written. Every week I will post my magic number and number of pages remaining.

Why so drastic, you may say? Well, first of all, it's 3 pages a day, essentially, so it's really not that bad. And writing being my absolute passion, I believe I owe it to myself to aim to write long enough to come up with 3 pages each day.

Secondly, I have to catch up! My cousin and I were talking about human nature and about people who have a tendency to under-perform and under deliver until the fire is put directly underneath their you-know-what. That's me! So, I think this will help.

Stay tuned... next week, I must have 21 pages written.

Also, here's my most recent post from my blog.

Clinic - Month 2

2010-03-01T12:00:00.009-06:00

Yesterday we held our second monthly clinic and I'm again thankful that God is blessing this ministry. I have done far less work on the clinic than I've needed to. I blame this last month's slack on the 75+ hour weeks I've been putting in at my current job. But even without that excuse, I haven't felt the excitement of the clinic in the same way I did when it was in the planning phases.

But yesterday relit the spark. I am so THANKFUL that God continues to carry this project through my time of neglect. Yesterday we only saw four clients, but we made some progress on the logistics of the clinic and identified some legal areas that we need to brush up on, since we've received multiple questions in those areas. Also, we have great volunteers who have committed to helping with the organization process in between clinics, which is great! We've each taken mini-projects that will better prepare us for handling our clients' issues next month.

I'm reminded that this clinic was born of a desire to use my legal skills and training in ministry. I'm humbled at the reminder that this is God's work. Certainly it will get done with or without me. But I'm rejuvenated by the thought that I can play a role and that God can use me to spread His love.

This will be another crazy week at work. My goal is 80 hours. But I don't want to neglect the clinics. There are several reports that I need to get out to the outreach coordinator at First Church and the board of Christian Legal Aid. Those are my to do for the week!

Nose to the Grind

2010-02-21T13:44:00.000-06:00

Apologies for being MIA these past few weeks. I've been working like crazy on a temporary project. They've just extended our hours from 7am to 11pm to 7am to 1:30am. So tomorrow I'm embarking on a 90 hour work week.

Needless to say I have NO time for the clinic or anything else for that matter. But the February clinic will be next Sunday so I have to get it together. For this month I need to make sure I've printed enough forms, like intake and waiver forms and I need to have a sign up sheet for the attorneys. I also need to check in with the ministry leaders and see if we can get internet access. If not, I'll need to get copies of resource manuals for questions we don't readily have the answers to. (Come to think of it, I should get those regardless.)

Whew!

All that will be hard to fit into a 90 hour work week. Wish me luck!

My writing is so sporadic right now... but here's some of it

2010-02-17T19:59:00.004-06:00

I am writing, if only sporadically. I've been writing a lot of poetry lately. Recently much has been centered around the subject of love. Is this new boo-inspired? Perhaps. Haha. But also my Bible study has really hipped me to the depth of Jesus' sacrificial love for us. I've been a Christian most of my life (baptized at age 10 or 11), but like any other relationship, sometimes you can take for granted what you've had the longest. Anyway, this poem is more on the romantic love tip, but I guess if you stretch it, it could apply to other loving relationships as well. Here it is.

Love Recipe

You measure and I'll pour
and let's stir this pot together
Set it over a warm fire
and see what we can make
I don't usually follow recipes
I just let the flames blaze
Toss in a few spices
Rely on nose, fingertip, tongue, even eyeball
Crack my knuckles and dive in
blind-hoping it all comes together deliciously
And if not I'll eat it anyway
But for you...
I want to cook with some intentionality
I won't abandon my creative freedom
but I don't want to burn the rice as I sometimes do
I want you to eat and be satisfied
with hearty, love-filled, soul-feeding goodness
And I want you to know that this dish
was made just for you

I posted this on my blog on Valentine's Day. In addition, I have another post reflecting on what love means. Here's the link to that. So I've been writing, which is good. Now if only I could direct that energy in a more disciplined way... (ah, there's always a catch!).

Lessons in Love

2010-02-06T19:35:00.005-06:00

The other day I was reflecting on lessons I had learned from the women in my life. From my Granny to my Mother and all the sisters, daughters, and friends in between.

I was thinking about these lessons because I was trying to target what made these people special to me. I had not come up with a satisfactory answer until I read Kia’s post about home and decided to write a substantive post, instead of another post about how little writing I’ve been doing. Thanks, Kia!

This post is about why my Granny was so important to me that I want to write about her so that she is not forgotten by the annals of history.

My Granny taught me how to love. She taught me to love family selflessly and unconditionally, but not to love a man stupidly.

My Granny would spot the most vulnerable among us and love that person so hard -- it looked like she was willing the person to see how special he was and that he was deserving of the love and respect someone may have denied him or he was denying himself.

I saw my Granny take in family members, both male and female, when it looked like the world, including the family, had turned its back on them. These people didn’t always treat her with the respect she deserved, but she treated them with the respect she deserved. Sometimes I thought she was enabling bad behavior, but I came to realize that she was doing the only thing she could -- loving someone else to a fault even when rational thought dictated otherwise. I never saw her hurt or in pain by loving someone who didn’t treat her the way they should -- I only saw her in pain when her loving someone didn’t make them love themselves.

It's not for this post, but my Granny had some interesting advice on men. Maybe I'll share that one day. But for now, it's enough to say that she was not so generous with her love when it came to a potential mate.

In short, I learned how to love from my Granny -- I haven’t quite made it to her level of generosity and I am not sure I aspire to be as selfless as my Granny -- but I admire her and respect the way she lived her life -- it was filled with so much love.

Writing About Home

2010-02-01T09:38:00.001-06:00

I've got this great Memoir book that my dear friend JC got me. While I'm not writing memoir, my book is memoir-esque enough for much of the book to be super helpful. One section asks the reader/writer to reflect on the following: Where is home?

Here's what I got so far:

Home is a split level house in the South End of Seattle. It's that house on Christmas in 1988, filled with the scents of homemade food. My big brother is home from college. I'm seven, toothless, smiling, wearing ruffles, warm, watching my handsome uncles tease my lovely, elegant aunties. I'm listening to my mom's laughter travel from the kitchen to every other room in the house. I see my dad standing like a redwood. I hold my Gram's hand, comb my Mother Dear's hair.

Home is a two bedroom home in Holly Park, a public housing section of Seattle where my grandma Mother Dear cooked the best stew and grew the best greens and filled crossword puzzles, stitched quilts, collected bric a brac, watched Mr. Ed, made me eat a teaspoon of honey and lemon and a sprig of spearmint when I was sick. It's her big hands, her soft hair, her gentle laugh, her warm hug, her sweetness.

Home is a two story brick house where my grandma Gram welcomed everyone, young and old, to make themselves comfortable and at home. I have a room there in my pre-adolescent years and it's there where i feel safest to be curious, different, creative. My imagination flourishes there, under the shade of her crab apple tree and behind the old shed that leaned into itself, even in the dirt of her rickety red, falling-down hot house, or in the ocean deep puddles under the pear tree after the rain, in the wormy worlds of the flower bed.

Home is mom's apple tarts. Gram's peach cobbler. Mother Dear's cornbread. Dad's cinnamon lattes. I can replicate them just close enough to be reminded that I miss them.

Home is, funny enough, wherever I am writing--just me and my thoughts, maybe a sputtering espresso machine behind me, setting the tempo to the slide of ink over paper or the click-clack of computer key. It's wherever I am that allows me to look back and smile, to look forward and know that it'll be alright.

Where is home for you?

Layers

2010-01-31T10:57:00.003-06:00

I haven’t written in a while -- It’s been about two weeks. Instead of writing, I’ve been working to determine who my character is and what I can do to bring her to life to both me and the reader. Like I've said previously, I want my character to step out of the page and into the reader's heart and mind.

Right now, however, all I have are the bare bones of a story. There is an actual beginning, middle, and end. What I’m missing are layers -- layers of meaning that give both the story and characters depth. Creating these layers takes a lot of mental energy and is time consuming.

The need to put in work, however, is bearing down on me and squeezing the desire to write out of me.

What I need is a writing retreat. I need to be somewhere without distractions so that I have nothing better to do than to write.

Making time for my dream

2010-01-28T12:07:00.003-06:00

Ugh. What a week! I always keep myself busy, and then I wonder why I always feel like I don't have time to write and do Bible study, the two things I told myself I really wanted to do more frequently this year--and, coincidentally, the two things that are most integral to me successfully accomplishing my Blueprint Chronicles goal.

This week has been no different. It has been long days at work, after which I feel like I can't sit down again and use my brain in that way. I feel like, instead, I straight up deserve to hang out with a girlfriend or have dinner with my boo.

I hate to get all self-helpy, but I gotta ask anyone who might be reading this: is there something that you keep putting off or pushing to the back burner? Maybe it's communicating with loved ones who are not in the same city as you (guilty). Or carving out quiet time for reflection (ahem, yeah). Or exercising (eh... I should, but I don't).

Whatever it is, I hope you find a way to fit in the things that are important to you. We only got one life! That is all for now. Back to work. Thanks for reading.

First Church Clinic

2010-01-24T23:13:00.000-06:00

The clinic happened! This morning, it finally happened. I'm super excited about it. We had three attorneys who saw about a dozen people. The questions included landlord tenant issues, record expungement, social security disability denials, real estate, and more.

To be honest, I wasn't quite as prepared for today as I needed to be. In fact, I was getting worried about how it would go as the date approached and I still hadn't dotted all my i's. But God really blessed. This bit of success was just the boost I need. Now I need to make sure this clinic is as helpful as possible. That's my task for the week, recapping Sunday's clinic and preparing for next month.

So happy to say there is a legal clinic at First Seventh-Day Adventist Church!

Beauty Found

2010-01-24T18:17:00.002-06:00

I did not write today. My excuse is that I had to go into the office for a couple of hours this morning. But like most excuses, it’s not a good one. Instead of writing I worked out and then went straight into work so that I make it back in time to watch the Indianapolis Colts beat the New York Jets 30-17. I’ll make up for the game next week.

Even though I haven’t written anything progress has been made. I’ve decided to abandon my so-called “Search for Beauty.” Instead, I’ve decided to make a character in the story beautiful to another character in the story. Mind you, I don’t expect that to be an easy task because I need to take care so that the story is not sappy or predictable.

I plan on writing next Saturday. But, to make up for missing this Saturday I will write sometime later this week when work slows down.

Search for Beauty

2010-01-16T14:05:00.002-06:00

I did it. It’s Saturday morning and I’m in the library writing. I drafted a couple of paragraphs of my story and now I’m drafting my blog, which is a day late. I expect that given my schedule the blog will always be a day late. That is, unless I’m somehow able to get a day ahead where I draft it the previous weekend for the following Friday’s post.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately and the story that I want to tell. Unfortunately, my thinking has not been too fruitful. Although, I have an idea of what I want my story to leave the reader feeling, I’m not sure how to go about drafting a plot to lead to that feeling.

For example, if I wanted the reader to leave this particular blog feeling happy -- then I might draft a story with a happy ending. But, if I wanted to draft a story that left the reader sad I’d maybe write something about death.

Those are very simple ideas. But, what I want to do is to draft a story that has beauty. I want the reader to finish my story and think they’ve met one of the most beautiful people they’ve known. What a challenge. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever meet such a person in literature. I might be setting myself up to fail because, to be honest, what is beautiful to one reader might be trite to another.

In my mind, to be beautiful, tragedy must be involved -- a beautiful, perfect person would be disgusting. Disgusting because that person would be unattainable and therefore unrealistic. My beautiful character must have flaws -- he or she must not spark envy in the reader, but rather pity and maybe a little disdain.

Consider Romeo and Juliet. Their story is beautiful. They had a great love, but was unable to enjoy it. A reader might have envied their love -- but even the most jealous reader would pity them that they were unable to bask in it for longer. A reader would probably have at least a little disdain for their stupidity. Really, who kills themselves when the love of their live dies. (BTW: This is why I prefer Jacob to Edward.) But, imagine the contrary, what if Romeo and Juliet had ended differently. If they were able to overcome their parents’ prejudices, marry, and unite the two families through grandchildren. That story would not be beautiful, it would be boring and mundane.

To have beauty -- there must be a little tragedy.

The tragedy though, has to be well placed. It has to be surgically applied to the character. The tragedy cannot be like that in Romeo and Juliet where the tragic event happens to the character. That might make for a beautiful story, but I’m going for a beautiful person. I have a lot of thinking and writing to do. . . .

"So, you're writing a book... what's it about?"

2010-01-12T10:47:00.000-06:00

Yikes. That's the question of the hour, now isn't it? I think that question is what hovers above my head whenever I sit down to write, and I think it actually stifles my writing a lot of the time.

How can I concisely and effectively answer the question: "So what are you writing about?" It's not memoir. It's not a book of poetry. It's not purely fiction. It's kind of all of the above and none of the above at the same time. So I know what it's not... haha.

To my credit, I did my outline. I divide the book into three parts: the first examines girlhood broadly, as well as parts of my own identity that were shaped during childhood; the second examines the ever-evolving state of adulthood, focusing on coming into it from childhood, and it also touches on universal experiences of women; finally the third section is where I go a little free, writing about what speaks to my soul, what life events have caused me to reflect on the human spirit, what comprises "soul" in art... all kinds of stuff. Meanwhile, this whole think is done through poetry, short fictional pieces, essays...

Gee, it feels funny to lay this thing all out this way. I mean, what is this? Who do I think I am, C.S. Lewis? What the heck? It feels... absurd. Like Noah's Ark or something.

Maybe. But every time I ask myself about my life's work I see myself writing and I re-encounter these same themes I outlined above. So if for no other reason than that, I need to do this. I have a lot of material, I have the desire, and I think I just need the confidence to embrace the uphill climb that this will involve.

I also am hesitant to spell out just what exactly I'm writing because loss is going to be such a prevailing theme. The loss of my parents, the resultant loss of an "anchoring," the loss of my bearings, the loss of direction I experienced when I accepted the fact that my career path needed to shift... I'm even going to write about past love lost, something that is almost as tender an issue as grief from death. I hesitate to say, with enthusiasm, "I'm writing about the depressing stuff!" But I truly do want to do more than that--I want to write about these things in a way that is reflective, maybe inspirational, but if not that at least something that resonates with people and gets them thinking and reflecting for themselves.

Wow. This was, like, e-therapy. Career coaching blogging. I'm actually going to stop blogging right here and switch gears to my outline. I need to flesh out more of these details. I'll check back in on how this goes next week.

Thanks for reading!

Starting Again

2010-01-08T18:28:00.001-06:00

I used the holiday season as an excuse to take a vacation from blogging. With the start of the new year, however, that excuse is no longer viable. So for an update . . .

Since my last blog I have done some writing. It was only a little writing, but I realize that I have to start somewhere. Most of the writing I’ve done has been on the book itself. Although, I also revised my outline a bit. But, if I’m being completely honest -- I’m not making enough progress. Part of the immediate problem, I realize, is that I was trying to work over the holidays when spending time with my family was the most important item on my agenda. Another bigger part of the problem is that I have a full time job, which greatly gets in the way of my part-time aspirations.

The biggest part of the problem, however, is my lack of motivation. I’ve often wondered whether I would be able to focus if I had all of the time in the world to just write. When I sit down to write my mind generates all of these ideas that I want to get onto the page, but once the idea is out on the paper, my mind wants a break. And as I have written in the blog before, my favorite type of break is reading mind-numbing fiction. Maybe, I should ditch this law thing and get a doctorate in literature. That way, I could take out loans to read and write about fiction all day for like five years. Only problem is the loans part.

Another thing inhibiting my productivity is all of the background research I need to do. It would be great if I could just write what’s in my head and make up what I don’t know -- but I think to produce quality work I’m going to have to put in a number of hours deciding where and when my story takes place and then learning about the where and when.

In any event, right now I’m on a flight to Los Angeles with nothing but time and opportunity to focus and even now all I want to do is read a weird science fiction novel about flying kids. I read the novel for the first hour or so of the flight and only stopped to draft this blog when the story began to bore me.

The plan going forward is to commit to writing for at least two hours each week. Hopefully, I can get more in, but for now I’m starting with what I think is achievable. A fellow BPC blogger advised that I set a schedule and stick to it. I’m dedicating Saturday mornings to writing. That works out to about eight hours a week. Let’s see how much paper gets generated in the first month.

And we're back...

2010-01-04T22:25:00.000-06:00

2010 is here and I'm not ready!!! The last three weeks have been so refreshing. I've kicked it with some of my best friends, many of which I haven't chilled with in at least six years. I've traveled. And I've lived life unscripted.

And now it's back to reality. I haven't even made my list yet, but I know it's super lengthy.

First order of business - the clinic has hit a minor snag. I returned to DC to read in a letter from the church with a list of items they want resolved prior to the first day of clinic, which is in three weeks. The list isn't too long, but it requires agreement and action by several individuals other than myself and I'm concerned I will not be able to coordinate everything within the brief widow. More frustrating is that they request something that I informed them the partners involved with this project do not do.

So welcome 2010 and welcome back to the grind. It's going to be a busy week!

On Vacation I Don't Go

2009-12-27T19:39:00.002-06:00

I'm supposed to be in NYC right now. I'm not.

I was all set to fly out on Christmas night to go to New York, handle a little personal business and then kick it with my girls. I was even going to do the indoor trapeze thing in Brooklyn. It was gonna be awesome! Alas...

Friday came and with it, some nasty kind of head cold. The sinuses, the fever, the chills, the throat... you get the picture. I thought about roughing it and getting on the plane, but then I thought about what that would mean: staying on a plane for 6 hours sharing my joy with unsuspecting passengers, getting off the plane sick at 6am on a cold New York day, getting on the train with all my bags, getting to my friend's house to pack a bunch of boxes and prepare them for shipment out to Seattle, getting back on the train for an hour to get to Harlem from Brooklyn, infecting my unsuspecting friends' couch with my germs, spending a precious New York day sick on my friend's couch... again, you get the picture.

Sigh. I think it may have all worked out for the best. After all, I was able to see more of the fam that is here for the Christmas season. I also am sitting here at the coffee shop journaling and writing my outline and doing other creative things. And, I was able to sleep in my own bed alllll day Saturday and fight this nasty thing into near-submission.

In other news, I'm still writing...

On Vacation I Go

2009-12-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

I love new stuff. After my birthday, New Year's is my favorite holiday. This year I'm spending the holidays in California. As I type I'm on Virgin America Flight 97, making use of the Free WiFi. (Thanks Google!) At the top of my agenda is getting organized! I need a new plan for the new year. Even though I've been getting things accomplished, I still don't have a thorough monthly action plan. I'll be headed back to DC two weeks from today. We'll meet again after the new year on my return flight.

Happy Holidays!!
Yay for 2010!! :)

Deep Breath

2009-12-20T20:19:00.004-06:00

I have not made any progress toward completing my goal. I want to write, I think about writing, I have ideas -- but I have not once turned on my computer with the intention of writing. I'm only writing this blog because Martin thinks it will make me feel better and because I committed to doing it once a week.

Instead of writing I have been reading. Yeah, I've been reading a lot. I'm still reading that same series I wrote about a few weeks ago.

Reading has become a crutch. Yesterday, after reading all day, right before getting into bed I picked up the book again -- not because I wanted to see what happened next, but because I was afraid I couldn't fall asleep and didn't want to think. I think I might be reading to hide from reality. When I read I don't have to think.

I read the posts of the other Chroniclers and feel hope and inspiration. Inspiration from the progress I see them making. Hope because I also see that some of them are also running into speed bumps.

Going forward I am going to commit to blocking out some writing time. Next weekend and every weekend thereafter I'm going to a coffee shop to write. Even if I don't write anything I will at least spend an hour staring at a blank screen.

I named this post deep breath because that is what it took for me to write it.

Update: I did nothing.

2009-12-15T20:34:00.003-06:00

I have essentially done nothing toward my goal since my last blogpost, last week. I thought about scrambling to do something, something, SOMETHING, and then writing that down as my weekly progress report, but instead let me just keep it 100% true and real: I did nothing.

Well... is that true? Let me think about it. Okay, to be fair to myself, I did have dinner with my friend who is also a writer, and we talked about our various writing projects and just checked in on how often we each are writing and how the process is going. That was good. He shared with me this cool online writing tool, which as timing and luck would have it is currently down. It's a virtual writing personal trainer that you can program to yell at you or gently encourage you if you remain idle and aren't typing for too long.

Isn't that what we all need sometimes? Something to nag us and yell at us when we are being lazy bums? I should have checked it out earlier--sure could have used it this weekend.

Instead, Friday came and I sighed out a sincere and hearty "Hallelujah" and commenced to the important task of sitting on my butt for practically the rest of the weekend. I mean, I took a nap on Friday afternoon, and oh, how I napped. And then I woke up and watched t.v. from the bed. Then I graduated to the living room couch, where I watched a movie and didn't even eat a square meal, for that would have required my getting in front of a stove with some cooking tools and food and making something happen. The next day I was pretty much house-bound as well, with the exception of a few trips out into the world. Sunday I ventured out a bit more--went to church and hung out with a girlfriend. Did I crack open my journal or laptop? Nope.

Sigh. According to my Action Plan that I submitted last week, I am to designate one morning per week to writing. I have decided Thursdays will be the day, but am thinking I might double up this week and do Wednesday and Thursday. Need to get this outline done this week as per my self-imposed deadline, as well as finish researching other works that follow the themes I'm writing about. If I do this, then I'll feel okay having another lazy weekend.

Thanks for reading.

The ALA Clinic at First Church is a GO!!!

2009-12-14T23:47:00.000-06:00

So...the clinic is a go! Yesterday I presented the clinic to Pastor McCleary and the Board at First SDA Church in DC. My presentation went great! Board members asked a number of questions, but I got the sense that they were all excited about adding legal services to their community service program. The pastor sent me an initial confirmation letter. He told me over the phone that it includes some additional details to be worked out, but once that's done we're all set to begin offering services at the ALA Clinic at First Church on January 24, 2010. (By the way, check out the ALA website that I shared with you a few weeks ago at www.alagw.org.)

11 months ago, I set a short term goal for a legal services ministry as part of a larger goal for an independent SDA legal aid provider. I didn't follow every step of the plan, but as of January 24, 2010, I will have accomplished this goal! Here is what I drafted in January 2009:

Short Term Goal:

Provide legal information and referrals as a ministry through a Parent Ministry (PM) as a step towards full fledged Legal Services Ministry (LSM). (2009)

1. Speak to Adventist attorneys, organizers, and fundraisers about the feasibility of an LSM.

- This should begin now and continue throughout the year as additional individuals are identified.

- Monthly goals should be idenified on a rolling basis.

2. Identify the best PM(s) through which to provide legal services.

- This search can begin now through online resources.

- Possible PM(s) should be explored in interviews proscribed by STG 1.

- At least three possible PMs should be identified by February 28.

- The final PM(s) should be identified by April 30.

3. Identify the legal services most needed by PM patrons.

- Need should be explored through the identification process proscribed by STG 1.

- Need should be identified within two weeks of final PM identification(s) and no later than May 14.

4. Develop a curriculum or format for distributing information and intake.

- A curriculum / format may begin development once need(s) are identified.

- Final curriculum / format should be developed by June 30.

5. Implement curriculum / formatted program at PM.

- Implementation should begin no later than August 1 and continue through 2009.

6. Explore job options at public interest organizations.

Flexing Muscles

2009-12-13T12:37:00.007-06:00

The purpose of the blog is to mark the progress of my goal. It becomes very difficult to write a blog when no progress is being made toward completion of my goal.

Hmmm. If my blog had another purpose, maybe I would have something to fill the page with. Today I'll use the blog to exercise my creativity -- something that should help in completing my goal, right?

"COMPROMISE"

She was thinking hard, she was trying so hard to concentrate that her eyes were squeezed so tight that she had four round ridges along the bridge of her nose.

She was trying to decide whether to travel the well worn path to the house on the hill that had a fire going and a feast waiting to be served upon entry or to turn left and take the overgrown path down the hill to the cabin near the lake where the cold wind battered the windows in their loose panes and a cold plate of leftovers waited in the microwave for someone to press start.

If she went up the hill she knew that she would be satiated within minutes and bundled in a Snuggie with either a novel or the remote in her hand. But if she went down the hill her stomach would soon be full and she would be staring at a blank page that she often referred to as her own personal albatross.

She was doing all of this thinking while sitting in a driveway about halfway between the alternate destinations. Her eyes were closed and all she saw was black and all she felt was pain where her eyelids met.

Her head beginning to throb with her efforts, she made a compromise – she’d make the right but rather than curling up in the Snuggie, she told herself that she would draft an outline to help her productivity the next time she faced the blank page.

. . . .

Two Tylenol and an hour and a half later, she was in the Snuggie, but unable to work because all of the earlier thinking had left her with a headache.

Self-Publishing

2009-12-12T23:26:00.001-06:00

Tonight, I finally watched Julie & Julia, a movie about a woman who decided to cook all 536 recipes in Mastering the Art of French Cooking in 365 days while blogging her experience, Julie Powell, and the woman who inspired her along the way, Julia Child. Her blog is called the Julie/Julia project. Nicole first told me about this movie when I shared with her the idea for BPC. She had just seen it and been inspired by it, so when I called her about BPC we knew we had to see this through.

Of course there are obvious parallels between the Julie/Julia project and BPC - setting a goal to be accomplished in one year, blogging about the experience. But after finally watching the movie, it is what motivated Julie that resonated most with me.

As we meet Julie, she is answering calls in a cubicle, a person with no power at the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation. This is her job, but she's really a writer. A writer who loves to cook. She's written a novel before, well, half of a novel, but she couldn't get a book deal. And, as she says, you're not a writer if you're not published. She begins the project because she thinks people will read it and blogging lets her self-publish.

So my jobs change every 5 to 18 months. But I'm really a dreamer who loves to plan, a big picture kind of gal. I want my life to make a significant difference in the lives of others. And I don't want to wait for my publisher to come along. I want to make it happen for myself, now.

In less than twelve hours I'll be in a board meeting at the SDA church that will be hosting my first clinic. I'm super excited. I haven't done much this week. I did respond to some questions about the clinic sent by the church's pastor. Next week I need to finish up the ALA newsletter and send it out along with pleas for everyone to pass the word on to their SDA lawyer friends so we can build our numbers. I'll update on the board meeting on Monday or Tuesday.

Took my first bite

2009-12-09T20:59:00.004-06:00

So, this post my be shorter than usual. All I really need to say is that I feel good.

As the Chronicle ladies know, I just completed my "Action Plan" and submitted it to the group for their review. I am inspired by the others who have already done it, and it feels good/productive to have written mine down. I'm much more of a "dream" person--I like to imagine things I'd like to do. The doing it is the tricky part. And unlike Nicole, I'm not so good at the list thing. I don't really like to plan and list. I like to go with the flow. Which means that things often flow nowhere.

It feels good to have submitted a plan and to have committed it to text. It also feels good to have read the other ladies' posts from this past week. It seems like the feeling of being overwhelmed by our to-do lists is something that resonates with each of us, but we're each taking our first bite, crossing off our first item before taking off that pen cap, whatever else have you. So while I'd say misery loves company, that's not applicable to us--we have no reason to be miserable because we're making progress! (Yes, I'm usually this chipper!)

Also I've been talking about my goal more frequently and with more people. I've been putting my ambitions out there, perhaps in order to speak them into existence and absolutely also to make myself held accountable. Good stuff. Will hit y'all up with another update shortly. Thanks for reading!

week in review...

2009-12-06T12:00:00.002-06:00

I'm way late to post this week, but I do have updates. I'm still working on my action plan. For now, I'll share the major tasks that must be completed:

- begin monthly clinic at sda church
- incorporate and register as 501(c)(3)
- grow Adventist Lawyers Association
- hold fundraiser, amount to be determined
- identify site for full service clinic
- perform needs assessment

This week I continued to make progress on the clinic. I meet with the board of the host church next week to finalize our agreement.

As for ALA, I mentioned the temporary website in my last post. I'm working on our inaugural newsletter now. That needs to go out December 14th.

The next thing I need to do is research. I need to figure out what it takes financially to operate a legal clinic. Also, what to-do's do I have that need to be started now to be complete when they're needed.

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all that's on my plate. So I really like Nicole's pen-cap rule. I'm definitely adopting it.

It makes me sad to write the following . . .

2009-12-05T21:13:00.003-06:00

I’ve been side tracked – I haven’t been productive since Thanksgiving weekend. That weekend Martin introduced me to a series of books that I have become obsessed with. The books are not that good, but I can’t stop reading them. I read the first couple of books in a couple of days. I am currently debating whether to ride out the obsession and finish the series or quit the series cold turkey. I know the right thing for me to do would be to stop the obsession right now and to fill my days with something more productive. But I don’t know if I can do the right thing or if I just don’t have the right motivation to do the right thing. Sadly, I think I will finish the book I’m on and wait one week to purchase the next book in the series. Small steps.

To be honest, I think I have a real problem. More than just getting in the way of blogging and working on my goal – I have not worked out, worked, or done laundry - things I had hoped to do today. In fact, I’ve been waiting all week for the weekend so that I could spend guilt free time reading – but it turns out I’ve read but not without guilt.

Despite my distraction I have made some progress. I called my mother today, this morning actually, and got my aunt's phone number. I think writing about my apathy in the blog motivated me to act. My goal this week is to draft an interview outline.

my 'pen cap rule'...

2009-12-04T21:46:00.004-06:00

i must say, reading the most recent blogs from everyone has been so incredibly inspiring to me! i know, i’ve been m.i.a., but i promise i have legitimate reasons. being a first year teacher (with dreams that extend far beyond the classroom) has been so time consuming, and very demanding both physically & mentally. i return home every single night drained; many evenings i'm in bed by 8pm (without even eating dinner). speaking of food, i recently made a lifestyle change. i'm now living gluten-free (i'll get into more detail about this later)! but i must highlight now the positive impact this new diet has had on my energy reserve!

anyway, while at the bookstore this evening, i flipped through my daily planner. i observed that my daily lists of things to complete keeps getting longer and longer. i was a bit disappointed that i haven't been highlighting (for completion) too many items. today i decided to hold off on adding the 37th item to my to-do-list. i've purposed in my heart that i must take control of the things that are outstanding before i add more to my plate. i actually exhaled as i put the cap back on my pen. i've been spending more time making the lists than devoting energy to accomplishing my lists. although i am certain of the struggle, i've vowed to keep the cap on my pen until i tackle at least half of my list.

my BPC goal (to launch a lip balm/cosmetic line) hasn't been neglected. i've been actively developing my action plan. i think that once i get officially started, i will have 'lasting motivation', the kind that will see me through to the end of this great goal! i started with what i love to do, RESEARCH! through my research, i have outlined a few things that i would like to carry out/further develop over the next 60 days:

1. identify more private label lip balm manufacturers (get pricing and request samples)

2. research more information about starting a cosmetic line

3. do more research on lip treatment (identify key ingredients/conventional or organic)

4. research cosmetic regulations (found in cosmetic handbook/need for any licenses, etc)

5. research labeling regulations applicable to cosmetic products

6. identify private labeling/packaging companies

7. research market trends

8. start brainstorming ideas for marketing concepts

9. solidify company name

10. legally establish company (also look into trademark, etc)

11. research and join cosmetic networks

i have a lot to do, but i think it's manageable. my 'pen cap rule' still applies, even for my BPC goal. i'm starting this weekend! i can't let another day pass without making forward progress! special thanks again to the "BPC Crew" (as kia called us) for renewing my motivation! i'll be giving a progress report in my next blog!

You don't have to eat the whole elephant in one sitting

2009-12-02T21:32:00.004-06:00

So November was National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and there's this cool website where you can sign up and set out to write to your heart's contentment, with the goal of writing a 50,000 word novel by the end of the month.

I am thoroughly amazed/awestruck/inspired by/proud of my sister-friend, my homegirl, and one of my super duper bffs, Iquo. Like myself, she endeavored to take on the crazy NaNoWriMo project... and she did it! Knowing Iquo and what she's capable of, I know that she put it down and represented, and I'm uber excited to read the final product or one of the drafts leading thereto. It's gonna be awesome.

I, however, did not quite make it to 50,000... or even 10 percent of that. I got to a sweet little 3,700 words. But that's okay! Seriously!

I don't juxtapose Iquo to me in order to praise her and beat myself up or disparage the progress I did make. And this is why: you don't have to eat an elephant in one sitting. You can ziplock that sucker up, put it in the freezer, defrost it on setting 1, and eat it in normal, human sized servings over a reasonable course of time (sorry, vegetarians and PETA people!). I am super proud of my friend, but I'm also proud of myself: proud for moving forward in the direction of my goal.

My BPC goal, by the way, is to write a book that merges my writing passions with my personal story, some of which I've shared and other bits of which I will probably share in future posts. I want to write about identity and spirituality. I want to write about loss. I want to write about love. I also want to write about other women's/girls' stories that I find particularly moving and incorporate those in as fiction. I may even want to get some co-contributors. I mean, this thing just keeps growing and growing. That's why I am currently calling it a "writing project" rather than assigning it to any specific genre of writing in order to allow myself the freedom to figure out where it's all going.

This project may end up with me writing two books--one that I develop solo style, another that tells our collective story through multiple writers' voices. It is certainly an evolving idea. I have to shout out my BPC crew for supporting me as I have voiced a bit of frustration with not knowing exactly what it's going to look like in the end. They pointed out that sometimes writing-- just by nature of the creative process-- just takes on a life of its own, and you have to be flexible enough to allow that.

That said, I'm currently working on creating a clear action plan to help anchor all my free, pie-in-the-sky type writing into a realistic goal. I need to nail down something that I can do in a one year timeframe so that I don't find myself stuck with three elephants to eat in two days.

So, I'm working on the plan, and in the mean time, I'm writing. 30 words here, 250 there, 3,700 one month, 15,000 the next--it'll happen!

Stephanie's Long Awaited Blog Posting!

2009-12-01T00:51:00.002-06:00

Okay, so before I even begin, I need to give voice to the emotions screaming at me as I type these words. This is my first time blogging, YES I am a blog virgin. In fact, I had only read a couple of Kia’s blog postings before I became a part of the BPC community. That being said, I am extremely nervous about putting myself out here for the world to see. Despite my concern, I decided that maybe if I could get my fingers to move and if I could get myself to write this first posting that all the others would be less anxiety causing. Umm, well see how this goes!

Well, who the heck am I? I am Stephanie..... nice to meet you too! I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but I was born and raised in Dallas. (All of my family in still in Texas. Actually, as I write this I am on a flight from a visit to Dallas.) I love to travel! Two of the places I still want to see are Brazil & New Zealand. Some random facts about me… I don't own a tv (by choice) & I’m proud of it (this statement in addressed to those who continue to make fun of the fact that I don‘t have a television). I am left handed (YAY lefties) and I am a huge dog lover, but I neither have, nor have I ever had a canine companion.

What is my BPC goal? Well actually I have two. The first is to get into the medical school of my dreams and to attend without accruing any more debt (boo Stanford). I am hoping for either a scholarship or a grant. I graduated from undergrad six years ago and since then have completed my pre-requisites for med school. I am taking the MCAT this spring & will be applying in June 2010. My second BPC goal (yea I know I am an over-achiever) is to get a book deal or and agent for 1 of 6 of my book ideas about my unique life experiences & lesson learned (more on this later).

Keep reading as I slowly open up to sharing parts of myself w/ the bloggosphere & I promise to make an effort to keep the lines of communication flowing from my end. Take care of yourself!

Communication

2009-11-27T17:31:00.002-06:00

Human ingenuity has resulted in countless forms of communication including, among others: language, smoke signals, telegraph, telephone, cellular telephone, pagers, snail mail, email, instant messaging, My Space, Facebook, and Twitter.

All of these different technologies available to me and I don’t know much about my past, my history. I know just enough to be curious and sure that my history is full of sparkling gems.

In my experience people, including me, are not very forthcoming when it comes to talking about their history and what’s going on in their lives. For example, I know that my great-grandfather, Jack, was a white man with two amputated legs and one amputated arm. I asked what happened to him and was told that he was involved in a hunting accident. I don’t know that he was not involved in such an accident, but a little more detail would be very helpful. I’m not innocent, before last week’s post, my sister had no idea that my best friend had come to stay with me while I was in law school.

Initially, my plan was to supplement the few facts I knew with fiction. Now, I’ve decided to interview or “communicate” with my family members to learn a little more fact about my past. My problem is that communication involves more than just a telephone or an email account. One needs to actually use their physical abilities to use one of the above communication devices. (I can’t wait until telepathy is perfected.) In any event, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t bring myself to use any of the above communication devices to make an investigatory phone call. Specifically, I’d like to call my great aunt to ask how she and my grandmother, her sister, grew up.

I’m hoping that by writing about my inertia in this blog I’ll be motivated to make that call. Please wish me luck and hold me accountable!

I'm in love with Google Sites

2009-11-23T22:31:00.001-06:00

This weekend I fell in love with Google Sites. I always have 3 or 4 new ideas circulating in my brain and at least 5 to 10 items on my to do list for each. Lately I've had trouble keeping everything straight. My T.T.D. lists in my Moleskine journals have lost their efficacy. So when I met Google Sites this weekend, I fell fast and hard.

Sites is Google's tool for creating websites and secure group wikis. Yesterday, I used Google Sites to develop a project site for the Adventist Lawyers Association of Greater Washington (ALA). ALA is a professional organization for Adventist attorneys. Early this year I realized that I need to mobilize this demographic if my SDA legal aid clinic is going to become a reality. The project site can be accessed by the team of attorneys who are working to establish the organization and its initiatives. We can use the site to organize our task lists, chart progress towards our benchmarks, and stay focused on our project objectives.

If you haven't played with Google Sites, take some time to. And if you're managing any kind of project or if you need a temporary website, Google Sites deserves a test drive. I spent eight late night/early morning hours developing a website for ALA. Getting a site set up is crucial to increasing membership and visibility. (I want to give you a sneak peek, but I'll have to wait until I can confirm some of the information on the site.) I was able to do a ton with Google sites, create pages and sub-pages, create a feed for a future newsletter articles, create live forms that visitors can use to sign up for membership or subscribe to our newsletter.

Most importantly, I was able to make concrete a lot of the stuff in my head to clear up space for whatever's coming next. Staying organized and focused are definitely crucial as I work towards my goal. I'm super excited to have a new tool to help in those areas.

BTW, we have a site for the first clinic! I hope to have details to share by next week.

Inspiration

2009-11-20T21:07:00.008-06:00

There are a number of people who have inspired me to work harder, to say up longer, and to not give up. One of those people is my best friend. She inspires me, not by what she accomplished, but by what she did not accomplish.

I met her while in the Navy -- and was lucky enough that our friendship continued after the Navy. In her I saw a confidence that I respected and admired.

While in the Navy my friend and I were stationed in San Diego, CA. After we fulfilled our commitments she stayed in California -- to begin fashion design school -- and I moved back home to Indiana to finish my BA in English. She was independent and ready for adventure -- I was frugal and ready to save money. We stayed in touch, I visited her in Los Angeles where she took me to Melrose (a trendy neighborhood in Los Angeles), Sunset Blvd., Venice Beach, Santa Monica Pier, and to Hollywood. We even went out partying. In between all of the fun, I learned that she had put school on hold and was working at a clothing store in the mall. I also learned that she had recently (i.e., when I told her I was coming out for a visit) gotten a car and an apartment, which was near Melrose. But none of that got in the way of our fun -- she was doing well, I was doing well, and we were happy to be in each other’s company after many months apart.

I returned to Indiana, finished school, and eventually enrolled in law school. We kept in contact, but we were definitely not as close as we had been when we lived in the same state. We stayed in touch and I knew that if I needed her she was there for me and she knew that if she needed me I was there for her. It was her I called when I was having “relationship” issues -- like what were her thoughts on me marrying the man I had introduced her to the last time I saw her in Los Angeles. And it was me she called when she needed an emergency $25 -- I would send her, through Western Union, $100. The funny thing is that she stopped calling me to talk about “relationship” and school issues. In fact, she stopped calling me and I stopped calling her, but I didn’t really notice because I was recently married and in law school.

In my second year of law school she called and said that she was homeless. I said come to Boston and stay with me while you decide the next step in your life. So she flew out to live with me and my husband in our one bedroom apartment. (He wasn’t excited about my friend living with us -- but he knew how much it meant to me and agreed to the “minor” inconvenience.) We offered her the couch, but after life on the streets she preferred the floor.

While in Boston I learned very little about what caused my friend to become homeless. She was more interested in looking forward than backward. I did learn that while homeless and living in a park that she had developed a closer relationship with God and was called to begin a ministry. She also told me a beautiful story about God leading her to a house where her ministry was to be located.

In Boston, my friend made a number of moves to change the direction of her life -- she got a job and started making plans to move to London and enroll in school. She was also looking to move out of my house and into a “roommate situation.”

My semester ended, however, before she was able to locate a “roommate situation.” I struggled with telling my friend that she had to move out when I moved out. I simply could not force my husband to live, for three months, with my friend while I was not there. In that conversation I told her she could come with me, but she said she would be okay and thanked me for the last few weeks. I did learn later that she was not as okay with moving out as she at first suggested. One night, when she was at work she called and said she would not be coming back. I asked her where she was, but she said she would rather not tell me. She said she didn’t feel comfortable telling me. That was our last conversation.

After I got over being upset about our last conversation, I used my caller ID to call her at the number she didn’t want to give me. Unfortunately, I had waited too long and she had moved on. Over the years I sent emails to her various addresses, but she never responded. I googled her, but her name never came up in my searches. I even thought about calling her mother -- to find out her new number, but never quite motivated myself to make that call.

August 20, 2009, my friend decided that she did not want to live taking medication for schizophrenia and took her life. I learned from her mother that she had, until within weeks of her death, not been in touch with her daughter since before she had lived with me in Boston. She also said that my friend had been homeless for the last few years, including a stint on skid row. Her mother told me that my friend loved me and wished that she had stayed in touch with me. I wished she had trusted me enough to know that I loved her and didn’t care that we had not stayed in touch, that it was not too late for us to reconnect. It wasn’t too late until she decided that it was too late.

My Goal: I want to write -- I want to create characters that capture some of the regular, beautiful people that I’ve had the honor to know. Over the course of the next year I plan on writing an essay and a short story. Both will be about another woman who has served as an inspiration to me, my grandmother. In addition to writing the pieces I’d like to have one or both published. So one component of my plan is to research publishers and submit the pieces for publication.

Charlene

2009-11-17T12:17:00.001-06:00

So I do want to write about the writing process, but I also want to write about my mom today. This past Sunday (the 15th) was the 7th anniversary of her death. Leading up to this date I had been having all these crazy dreams about her, writing about her in my journal, just thinking about her and expressing this thought creatively a lot more than I have done in a while... probably more than I've done in the past 3 or 4 years. This is good timing since much of my writing project will deal with issues related to grief, loss, and remembering.

So, here goes. I'm going to just do a free-write about my mom for a few minutes and see where it takes me:

...Sometimes I feel like I have absorbed part of who my mom was and just taken it on as my own. And sometimes I feel like my mom's spirit has literally taken over parts of me. I know that sounds crazy, and I know that if she were still here, I would probably just shake my head and say, "I'm becoming my mother!" in exhasperation. But since she's not, it is just the strangest feeling. Like, I take on aspects of who she was, say something she would say, laugh the way she would laugh, or find myself standing the way she would stand, and when I realize that this is happening it almost feels like I can feel her presence. Sometimes this makes me wonder whether, as Brandie wrote, I'll be able to take on the good of who she was and leave the not-so-good behind. In other words, do I have any control over this at all? Is it nature or nurture or both?

Either way, the comfort of it is that my mom was a genuinely sweet, giving, dynamic person, so most qualities of hers I wouldn't mind possessing myself. She was far more bright and bubbly than I am, even when she was sick. And she was super sociable and not nearly as introverted as I am. Sometimes this got her in trouble, though. People depended on her even while she was on her death bed. She was very clear with me that she didn't want me to be like that--giving even when it's harmful to myself. I'm absolutely working on that.

When I was a teenager, two things characterized my relationship with my mom. One, I felt that she was very overprotective of me and I just wanted to break free. But, two, I was also very aware that her presence in my life was a gift. When I was 11, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and told that she would not see me finish middle school. She did. She defied the odds, determined to be there for my brother and me, determined to see more of life for herself. I was 21 when she passed away. For ten years I saw her turn orange-brown from the unforgiving chemo, lose her thick, beautiful hair, gain dozens of pounds from the steroids, grow frail again from more chemo; I also saw her get her coloring back, wear her new thick frame with elegance, set new goals and achieve them, and make an impact on her community... I saw it all. And for me the experience of facing my mother's mortality at an early age--and to an extent also mine--truly impacted our relationship because it helped me to check myself and my attitude and see the bigger picture.

These days I like to picture my mom at her healthiest, strongest self. But sometimes I also think about what she looked like and felt like during her most sick years. After all, she was herself the whole time and it's important to remember it all...

That's it for now in terms of writing about my mom. Sorry to be abrupt but I have to allow myself to stop and go as I please when I do this, so as not to make it too emotionally draining. So that's my update, y'all, and this is exactly the kind of stuff I have been doing as I pursue my goal of writing a book. Next time I'll give an update on my OUTLINE, something I very desperately need to complete. Thanks for reading!

Board Meetings

2009-11-16T13:56:00.001-06:00

My goal is to open a sustainable non-profit legal clinic affiliated with the SDA church. As a first step, I am opening a couple advice and referral legal clinics through Adventist Community Services. We've already lined up a partnership with Christian Legal Aid (CLA) that will allow us to open under the CLA umbrella so we can get started without worrying about things like clinic procedures and malpractice insurance.

I'm excited about opening these clinics, but with all that's going on at school, I haven't been able to devote much time to them. To be honest, I'm a bit overwhelmed. I feel like I've overextended myself and I'd be okay to let my goal fall by the wayside. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm a bit too invested to just let it die.

Tonight I'm attending a board meeting for Adventist Community Services to discuss the potential partnership. Tomorrow Christian Legal Aid would like for me to attend their board meeting to discuss the potential partnership. With all of this boarding I'd like to have the partnership formed by the end of the week. I'll keep you posted!

Preface and Chapters 1 and 2

2009-11-13T11:55:00.005-06:00

Lost In My Own Head

The idea behind the Blue Print Chronicles is simple and ingenious. To pursue a personal goal and to blaze a trail a plan is necessary -- personal desires are so difficult to achieve while practical goals like pursuing education and a career are more easily achievable because they usually entail following well-marked paths that have been traversed by many. I hope to follow the plan outlined and refined by the Chroniclers to develop a blueprint on how to achieve my personal goals. I need to be a part of the Blueprint Chronicles -- and have been lucky enough to have been invited into the group. Thanks Ladies!

After reading the introductory post and the first few thereafter I realized that I was in the same boat as the Chroniclers. Up to this point of my life I have been deferring my most sacred desires to pursue more practical goals. Well, that’s all about to change -- I now pledge to put as much effort into pursuing and fulfilling my personal goals as I do in pursuing my practical ones.

Because I am joining the Chronicles late in the process I will use this, my first post, to discusses some of the themes that have been addressed in the postings by the other Chroniclers over the last few weeks and use my next post to discusses my goal.

Growing Up

I grew up the oldest of three girls and was raised by two parents who helped, for better or worse, me to develop me into the person I am today. I admire both of my parents, and try to make their best characteristics my own and try to ensure their faults don’t find a home in me.

Like the other Chroniclers, I was labeled as “smart” and breezed through school in advanced classes and magnet programs. From an early age I received high scores on standardized tests and knew that I could do well in whatever I put my mind to. But unlike them, I was not necessarily invested in my own education. I was more interested in reading and going out with my boyfriend. School was secondary -- i.e., it was easy enough for me to follow the well-marked path to graduation and college. The pre-paved path, however, became untenable to me when I “woke up” and realized that I needed to make some difficult, lifelong decisions on where I was headed -- I had not made any major decisions in my life, instead until then I was on some sort of autopilot.

Accordingly, I made the difficult decision to leave college and join the Navy to find out where I wanted to go. Although, I can now admit to myself that I always knew what I wanted to do with my life, but didn't pursue it because didn’t know how to get there, didn't have the courage to pursue my desires, or have the initiative to forage my own path. (More on this later.) In the Navy I decided that upon serving my four-year-term I would jump on the path to becoming a lawyer. And no -- a lawyer is not what I’d always dreamed of becoming. But as embarrassing as it is to admit, I became a lawyer because somebody once suggested -- when I was in elementary school -- that I’d be good at it. In any event, here I am, after achieving some of my earlier goals -- ready to set out on a new path, with a plan in place, motivation, and gathering courage.

Lighthouse

At times I feel as if I’m living in a fog -- my senses are dulled, my brain is half asleep, and I can’t motivate to complete the personal tasks on my agenda. Interestingly, I have no problem doing what I am required to do professionally, especially when I’m faced with a firm deadline. But personally, I meander through life. I’m not sure where this fog has rolled in from, but I’m determined to develop a blueprint with clear benchmarks to lead me out of it.

Goodbye / Hello

2009-11-13T08:03:00.000-06:00

We're nearly a month into our process. In our first post you met the team - Kia, Meki, Nicole, Ryan, and Stephanie. The BPC is about setting ambitious goals and supporting each other as we pursue them. But it's also about documenting the process and the journey, for better or for worse.

And we have better and worse to share. Unfortunately, Ryan Gaines will not be continuing with us on this process. She has an amazing goal and we are so excited to see her accomplish it. But additional commitment of blogging and journaling conflicted with her other responsibiliites. We are so sad for her to leave the BPC team, but she's promised to keep pursuing her goal and we'll provide updates on her progress as we receive them. We love you, Ryan!

Now, for the good news...we're super excited to introduce Brandie Weddle, the newest Chronicler.

Brandie Weddle, Alexandria, VA: a voracious reader who refuses to let her demanding career as a Big Law associate get in the way of publishing her own works of fiction.

Brandie will be jumping on before the end of the week to tell you more about her and what she's going to do this year. Welcome, Brandie!

Encouraged and Motivated Today

2009-11-11T18:05:00.002-06:00

Meki, I am totally following your lead and submitting a more brief post this week. Sometimes short and sweet is all it takes! Here goes (cross-posted on girlwomansoul):

Much kudos to my Aunty Sarah for finishing the manuscript for her book!!! I am reading it right now and so happy for her and proud of her. This is encouraging and inspiring!

This exciting news has come at a good time for me as I work on my own writing project. Right now I'm doing some memory-based writing because I've been having these vivid dreams that have made me realize I need to look back a little. It has been, to say the least, difficult. At the same time that I know I need to do it, the struggle involved with confronting some memories is so heavy that the result has been some serious foot-dragging on my part.

But a wise woman once said: "writing is the act of reaching across the abyss of isolation to share and reflect." I think that's an important act, for the writer and the audience. I think it's worth the struggle. So, today is a holiday, and I'm sitting at home with the t.v. off, no distractions. And with this little nudge from my aunt, I'm going to do some thangs today on the writing front.

That's it for now! Time to get to work...

Speed Bumps

2009-11-11T00:34:00.002-06:00

I've been completely distracted the past couple of days with matters at school. I don't see those matters wrapping up anytime soon. I want to share details about the legal clinic, but I don't want to delay any further. I suppose this journey was bound to hit a speed bump and this is my first. Actually, the group as a whole has already been dealing with "life happening". Look out for a post on the group speed bumps on Thursday.

As for my update, I'm in the process of finding the best stie for the clinic. I promise details details and more details next week.

embracing the dream/ kia's goal

2009-11-06T13:13:00.005-06:00

last week i wrote on the theme of dreams--actual dreams that one has while asleep, and the dreams that we have for our lives. i wrote:

so, here i am, reflecting on others' and my own dreams and trying to figure out what it all means. for now, the message i'm hearing is: be open to the dreaming process because it can create something amazing--maybe some choreography, or a painting, or a great new project. and even those dreams that send you messages you'd rather not hear, like "you need to acknowledge and explore the fact that you miss your parents and wish they were here with you," even those dreams have value and should be given due attention.

so, here's to dreams, being open to them, and being motivated to bring the important ones into reality.

i had no idea what i was setting myself up for. little did i know that this blogpost was the precursor for something crazy. almost as if on cue, a few days after that posting i had the craziest, most vivid, most emotionally jarring dream i've had in a long time. it involved my mother, and saying goodbye to her, and it was truly hard core. it shook me awake at about 5 a.m., and after some time laying in bed with my eyes like saucers, trying to wrestle with my emotions so i could get back to sleep, i finally sat awake and wrote about it til about 7.

i share this with you for two reasons: first, because the dream i had is directly connected to my blueprint chronicles goal, which i promised i'd share in my next post. second, because the dream's occurence confirms for me that i'm supposed to be doing what i'm about to do, what our group is about to do, but that this is going to be a true challenge of the spirit. it's going to take energy and it's going to require others' encouragement and at times it's going to be downright exhausting.

first, the goal: throughout my life writing has been my outlet. journaling, short story writing, journalism, poetry, you name it, i've done it and found it deeply fulfilling. for the past five years or so, i've had this book idea. i've wanted to write about loss, love, identity development, spirituality... the things that make us human. and i want to write about it in a way that draws on my own experience but also can speak to others. a lot of thought has gone into this book idea. but little things --you know, like going to law school, moving to dc then new york then seattle, new jobs, social life, etc.--have kept me occupied enough not to start it. then there's the procrastination piece, too. and fear. and self-doubt.

over the past year and a half, though, many life-shaping events have happened that have compelled me to reprioritize. these things have forced me to stop "shoulding" and start being accountable to me and to God's will for me. and then meki presented to me the brilliant idea of forming a goals group to support one another as we work to accomplish something big in our lives. and i knew that this was an opportunity, the opportunity, to make the book happen.

so, back to dreams and dreaming. my very vivid dream transported me back to a time i'd rather not revisit. but it was important for me to go through that again, to remember that there are points in my life that have truly shaped who i am, regardless of whether or not i enjoyed the process. good can come out of the process. without struggle, there is no progress, right? you gotta have those labor pains, those growing pains, etc. and so the dream was kind of confirmation for me that some of my writing is going to be painful, but it's important that i share my story and the perspective some of the events in my life have given me.

i'm confident that the blueprint chronicles will be an effective medium for expressing some of the frustrations i'll encounter as i do this. but i'm doing it! and so i'm excited.

"shoulding" / Meki's goal

2009-11-03T19:49:00.001-06:00

Main Entry: shoulding

Pronunciation: \shəd-iŋ, shud-iŋ\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sholde, from Old English sceolde owed, was obliged to, ought to
Date: 21st century

1. usually vulgar: doing out of obligation or deference to another
2. usually vulgar: doing for the sake of the opinion of another
3. usually vulgar: doing what is probable or expected

I attribute many of my life choices to, pardon my French, shoulding. No one ever pressured me to do anything that I didn't want to do. But I've often based what I want to do on what I've thought I should do - what others expected of me as the grown up version of a smart child, what would garner respect from my friends and, well, the envy of my enemies, what would net my parents approval. My name is Meki Bracken, and I'm a victim of shoulding.

I don't remember when I started shoulding, but I continued shoulding my way through life until early 2009. Early that year, I started to get restless. (There's nothing remarkable about me getting restless. Getting restless is just something I do. Though it has its downfalls, I embrace the restlessness because most of my Aha! moments have been birthed during these periods.) I reflected on my life and I had everything that I should want - a law degree, a job at a top law firm, a six-figure salary, the single, big-city life. But I was MISERABLE! I hated going to work every day because I wasn't invested in being there. And I didn't see my life going anywhere that I wanted to be. So I made a decision - no more shoulding! I would do what made me happy and I would start right away.

And I did! I left big law for a DC public high school. (That experience has had its ups and downs, you can check them out - mostly the downs - at educatinglouise.blogspot.com.) But I'm not done yet. I want to write a book. I want to have the flexibility to take classes and have hobbies and spend time with my friends and family. I want my life to reflect how awesome I think God is. I want to make someone's life, or people's lives, better in a significant way. I want to build something sustainable (I know, really amorphous, but that's where I am with it.) Eventually I see myself running my own non-profit. Something that serves the community, but also gives me the opportunity to fund raise, plan, network, and manage, and all the other odd things I like to do. In the next ten years, I will have accomplished all of these things. I'll start my ten year "plan" to take over the world with year one: my BPC goal.

Goal: Establish a sustainable, not-for-profit, legal aid ministry affiliated an SDA church or community service ministry that will provide legal information, representation, and referrals to people who cannot afford a lawyer.

I'm working with a couple friends and we've already gotten started. Next week, I'll give you updates on where we are and where I need to get to if I'm going to accomplish my goal.

what dreams may come

2009-10-28T23:26:00.000-05:00

this past week or so i have encountered and re-encountered the theme of dreams. i believe this has been God speaking to me, confirming for me that i am supposed to be dreaming big and figuring out how to bring my dreams into this world in a successful way.

my 86-year-old uncle neal recently told me about a recurring nightmare he had been having. in it, he and his granddaughter were riding in a car when one of them dropped a glass water pitcher, causing it to shatter into pieces. as it fell uncle neal realized that a child had been in the pitcher. he scrambled to sift through the glass shards and recover the child, but couldn't find him. this dream haunted him nightly. he'd wake up from the dream and get up and paint, no matter what time it was. finally, one night, the dream ceased. this was how he knew his painting was finished. an uber talented painter, especially in watercolor, the final product of uncle neal's bizarre dream haunting was a beautiful oil painting/mosaic he created of a glass pitcher standing on a window sill.

without attempting to delve too much into dream interpretation, it's interesting that once uncle finished the painting, there were no more dreams of losing this child. the newness, future, optimism that i think of when i think of children, that was recovered. i wonder, this being a different medium from his norm of watercolor, if this was uncle neal's way of pushing himself to do more and try new things. to keep dreaming up new things, even after he has already mastered his craft.

upon returning to seattle i was able to spend time with one of my best friends, who was in town for about a day. she told me about her recent experience of dreaming choreography, waking up, and then putting it all together. she described the thrill of having a mind clear enough and quiet enough to dream something so vivid that she could then awaken back into this world and bring that dreamt-thing to life with her. she told me that she has also been practicing lucid dreaming, trying to tap into what creative impulses lie within her.

today, my cousin told me about her vision for doing her life's passion, and how around the time when her mind was really brimming with thought about this work, she dreamed that she was pregnant. pregnant with what...? again, i'm not a dream interpreter or anything, but it surely does seem to me that a dream of being pregnant is pretty powerful symbolism, especially if it occurs just as you are feeling the itch to launch a new idea or venture or project.

i have also been having really vivid dreams lately in which i see my parents: they are at the grocery store, at starbucks, standing together, and i'm far away from them and don't know how to walk up to them or even if i want to disturb them. or i am at home with my dad, and we're just chilling like normal but in the back of my mind i know that something ain't right. or i am with my mom, either back in the past or right now as though history has transformed itself and she never passed away. these different parent dreams are at once disturbing and comforting; comforting because they tell me my parents are still a part of my life--even if only in my subconscious. disturbing because it sucks to wake up to reality afterward and realize that it was all just a dream.

so, here i am, reflecting on others' and my own dreams and trying to figure out what it all means. for now, the message i'm hearing is: be open to the dreaming process because it can create something amazing--maybe some choreography, or a painting, or a great new project. and even those dreams that send you messages you'd rather not hear, like "you need to acknowledge and explore the fact that you miss your parents and wish they were here with you," even those dreams have value and should be given due attention.

so, here's to dreams, being open to them, and being motivated to bring the important ones into reality.

in my next post, like meki, i will share my dream. (i'm such a tease...!)

Meki's Peace

2009-10-26T15:41:00.000-05:00

I'm happy being me. I know myself well and I like what I know. There are somethings that I know that I don't like, but I'm working on the things that I can change and I've accepted what I can't. This is the late-twenties joy that I mentioned last week that was absent in my early- and mid-twenties. It's more accurate to call it peace than joy. There are still days and even weeks when I am not satisfied with myself. But I have peace knowing that this too shall pass.

That peace was hard won. For a two year period beginning in early 2006, peace eluded me. Everything was a mess. My relationships were in shambles. I was mad at God and started questioning everything I had ever been taught about Him. My best friend and I had a falling out and didn't speak for months. I had to make post-law school decisions but I had no clue what I wanted to do or even how to decide. I wasn't keeping up with school and graduation was placed in jeopardy. All the while I was away from my support system and everything familiar. I was in Tokyo for the first four months of 2006 and Los Angeles for the next three. I started sleeping, a lot, and not wanting to do much of anything else. I was lonely. And even after moving back to DC and reconnecting some of my supports, I was alone.

In 2007 people started telling me that they thought I was depressed. I didn't believe them because I had a misunderstanding of depression. I thought that I was being lazy. I beat myself up constantly about my lack of motivation and energy. Having been through the experience, I realize now that I was depressed. After sharing it with others, I realized how common some stage of depression was among my peers. (I have thoughts on why this is, but I'll save those for later.)

I came out of the fog in 2007-08. I learned A TON about myself, about God, and about people. I learned that stretching down to my lowest point gives me the elasticity necessary to stretch up to my highest. I learned that God is who He says He is, and if I don't understand Him, it is for my shortcomings, not His. I also learned that life is short, and you've only one to live - seize the day!

These mid-twenties lessons give me the peace and drive that I need to see my BPC goal through to the end. I am driven because I know whose I am, who I am, and what I am capable of. I did not have that same understanding prior to 2006. That drive pushes me to turn potential into reality. And the peace, that priceless peace, sustains me. Undoubtedly there will be obstacles and hardships along the way. My goal, which I will share soon, is ambitious and will push me, especially with the time constraints. But I have a faith in what I cannot even fathom, that gives me the peace to persevere.

Putting My Plan Into Motion

2009-10-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling blah for the past few days. I'll blog about this feeling later...

I'm a first generation American. My parents are from South America, and came to America to fulfill their dreams and aspirations. Now that I am older, I have a greater appreciation for the sacrifices they both made to provide for our family, and to ensure a certain standard of living for our household. When I really think about the specific sacrifices (i.e. my mother putting her career "on hold" to provide the foundational support for my family as my father got his doctorate degree) my parents have made, I get emotional.

They have instilled in me, and my two other younger siblings, the desire to achieve greatness. My dad would always tell us that we are not mediocre, and that he expected excellence from us. Even though I sometimes missed the mark, I would always strive to be the best and the greatest in everything I did. I'm incredibly grateful for the role models I have in my home, my parents. They have set very high standards of achievement to follow after.

I was always encouraged to exercise my creativity and to dream big! I am so incredibly thankful that I have parents who have always been supportive of my dreams, no matter how outlandish they might have seemed. When I was younger, and even to this day, my mother would always tell me that she can see something extra special in me, and that if I could follow through with at least one of my great ideas, I would be very successful.

Unfortunately, having many (too many) great ideas has been my greatest challenge for years. Every year I come up with at least two sound ideas. As I start putting plans into action I end up dreaming up another great idea, which ends up drowning the enthusiasm of the previous dream, lending way to a vicious "have-a-great-idea-but-can't-follow-through" cycle. I'm truly excited about The Blueprint Chronicles because I believe it will be "the vehicle" that will drive my many dreams and plans into motion!

Little Kiki, then to now

2009-10-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd follow Meki's lead and describe my favorite photo of my mom. She's about 27 in the photo (my age), she's a tall glass of water standing in an elevator space leaning against the wall with one foot resting in the curve of her knee. Her hand is on her slim hip. She has a serious look on her face, something unique given her highly affable nature, and she is almost come-hither with it. She's wearing a black leotard and her hair gives her a beautiful fluffy-Afro Farrah-Faucett look. She's gorgeous, free, and strong. And I think I love this photo because it symbolizes where I want to be in my life, and because I love to picture her this way.

At that point in her life, Mom was a dancer. My dad met her at a fashion show where she performed. Soon he was to discover that she had a head on her shoulders like no one's business, smart as a whip. About 6 months later, they got married. Nine months after their wedding, almost to the date, I was born. She was 28, he was 30 at the time.

As a child, I was really made aware of the fact that I was a happy addition to the family. I was the youngest grandchild on my dad's side (which makes sense, since my dad was the youngest child himself), and third youngest grandchild on my mother's side. My family treated me like a treasured arrival. They called me KiKi and many still do. My mom called me her Rosebud. My dad called me his Lovey. My brother Bill, who is 11 years older than I am, still brags to this day that he taught me how to walk. It definitely shaped my self-image to be in such a loving, encouraging, even doting environment.

I was also really made aware of the fact that I was smart, and much was expected from me academically even at an early age. At 4, my parents lied about my age and sent me to Kindergarten early. My grandmothers, one college-educated and one only educated through middle school, taught me how to read before I went to school. The parents had me tested at grade 1, and in grade 2 I was moved into a "gifted program" (more on that later--I have strong opinions about that label and what it does to kids) within Seattle public schools. This made me one of just a sprinkling of black and brown faces in my classroom, something that absolutely shaped my life perspective.

Upon going to college, I just about ran full force straight to AAAS, the African and African-American Studies program at Stanford. This, the "Black House" (the Black Community Services Center), and Ujamaa (the African American themed dorm) were my refuges. I immersed myself in the study, appreciation, and love of all things black culture and history. But I also majored in Political Science, the "practical" coursework that would gain my parents' approval and meet their high expectations in terms of a post-college plan.

My mom passed away when I was a Senior in college. More (much, much more) on that later as well. For now, I'll share that before she died I promised her I'd go to law school. So that's what I did. Ever since 1L year of law school, I have been trying to figure out how, with all the nurturing and high expectations and support I received from age 0, I ended up on a path I couldn't recognize as my own.

But through it all--the self-discovery, the spiritual work, the losses, including the later loss of my dad (again, we'll get into that stuff soon enough), the challenges of law school, and everything else, I've found that writing has been a comfort and healing force for me.

So... finally here I am, beginning a new phase of life, this endeavor called the Blueprint Chronicles, this endeavor where I set a goal that fulfills me, rather than just meets someone else's expectation of me. And I'm starting it through my writing and with a desire to share my love of using writing to connect with people in a significant way.

The journey has just begun. I'm excited! Thanks to anyone who will keep up with us along the way. Peace,

Meki: When I grow up...

2009-10-20T14:59:00.000-05:00

My mother is from Samoa, a tiny collection of islands in the south pacific, 2 hours by plane from Fiji. She met my father while he served in her home country as a member of the Peace Corps. They married in 1977 and she moved with him to Detroit, Michigan. My favorite picture of her is a black and white taken during a Detroit winter. There is snow on the ground in the background, evidence of a recent winter storm. She is bundled up in a black Peacoat and scarf. Her hair is pulled away from her face in a low ponytail. She is looking directly at the camera. Her eyebrows are pulled in slightly giving her beautiful, serious face the hint of a frown.

It wasn’t until my early twenties that I began to understand the significance of my mother’s choices. She left an island paradise, the only home she had known, except for her years at Fulton College in Fiji, to marry an American and move across the world, leaving behind the world that had comprised the first 30 years of her life. I love to travel and try new things, but I can't imagine myself making such a drastic change.

I read a lot of books as a child. Reading allowed me to live vicariously through the fictional characters. Reading also taught me to be a thoughtful observer, which is how I would describe my social temperament until the age of 16, when I started dating my first boyfriend. The relationship transplanted me from life as a nameless extra to leading lady in my very own teen romance novel. The experience awakened a desire to experience my own life instead of only reading about and observing the lives of others. It also developed a subconscious link between men and contentment that took years to recognize and break.

Growing up, I often received the message that I was smart. I got mostly As and a few Bs; I scored in the 90th percentile on standardized tests; I received academic awards and recognitions. Like many “smart” children, I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. I entered Oakwood College in 1999 as a Biology major, but quickly realized that my repulsion to the smell of hospitals was in direct conflict with my career goal. But even before that realization, I wanted to follow in my mother's footsteps and become a full time wife and mother. That desire remained consistent as I changed my major five times before finally graduating in 2004 with a B.A. in Mathematics and a minor in English. I considered jobs that interested me, but I never contemplated a career. I would get married at 24 and my career would become managing a home, supporting my husband, and raising our kids. The allocation of my time and energy reflected my prioritization of marriage and family over career. While I never neglected school, the guy in my life always took priority over other pursuits.

I’ve grown a lot since I entered college ten years ago. I'm turning 28 on Saturday and late twenties are awesome, way better than early and mid. I'm very comfortable in my own skin. But I'm not satisfied with what I've accomplished thus far in life. Late 20s also make my adulthood undeniable. I have to take responsibility for myself and my time because there is no one else to do so.

I have so many ideas and interests, but I've never thrown all of my energy into anything...except relationships. But that's going to change. I'm ready to make my mark for ME. Not for some relationship, actual or potential. Not even for appearances or for my family. Just because it's my time.

Let the Chronicling Begin!

2009-10-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

Five Goals, Five Women, Two Years, One Purpose : Dream Big, Make it Happen, Pass it On.

blueprint - n., a detailed plan of action; a model or prototype.

Ever had a dream or a goal that just kept speaking to you, but somehow you felt like you never had the time to work out the details and just do it? We all have. That's why a group of five women has decided to outline our goals, support one another through the process of achieving them, and share the entire experience with others, through this blog. Our hope is that this will both hold us accountable to the work of achieving our individual goals, and also help others as they take on their own endeavors.

So, why are we calling this blog "The Blueprint Chronicles"? Well, for starters, we will be chronicling the entire process. And check out the definition of blueprint: "a detailed plan of action; a model or prototype." I once heard that a dream without a plan is just a wish. So we are laying out a blueprint -- a detailed plan of action -- for our own dreams, and perhaps in the process we will discover principles that apply to achieving goals generally -- a model or prototype of goal achievement. It's ambitious, but so are we! That's why we are working together to create a blueprint for success.

If you think about it, it's perfect that we're doing this as a group. Blueprints often have many layers, and with each additional layer the picture becomes more and more detailed and precise. Each of our experiences, the failures and successes and steps in between, will serve as an important component of the overall big picture.

Speaking of picture, let's meet the chroniclers:

From left to right,

Kia Franklin, Seattle, WA: a tutoring program manager with a background in law and policy who plans to share her passion for writing with the world.

Stephanie Lane, Daly City, CA: a biology student with a background in History and African American Studies who has a plan to take her activism/advocacy around mental health policy to the next level.

Nicole Carryl, New Orleans, LA: an elementary school teacher with a background in business marketing and a plan to use her talents and skills to empower women affected by domestic violence.

Meki Bracken, Washington, DC: a high school math teacher and lawyer with a vision that will help young professionals serve their community on a large scale.

Ryan Gaines, Phoenix, AZ: an educator who helps teachers prepare for classroom work and has great insights and fresh ideas about how to re-shape and reform education policy.

Now that we've been introduced, let the chronicling begin! Stop by every day and we will share with you the things that inspire and encourage us. We will also let you in on our backstories, the details about our individual goals, and the challenges involved. Here we go... and thanks for reading!